Nine Reasons Why You Will Never See Me on a Stationary Bike
I Am not Against Exercise
I believe in exercise as much as I believe in taking my next breath. Furthermore, I believe everyone (except me) should be on a tough exercise regiment. Moderate bodily exercise is beneficial to each of our lives. From daily calisthenics to running three miles every morning before dawn. Exercise is a needed part of our society.
Time was I was deep into exercise. That was in 1981 when I made a bad choice in taking over-the-counter diet aids to lose some unwanted weight. My regiment of taking a diet aid each morning with a huge glass of water then torturing myself for an hour of sit-up's, pull-up's, push-up's (and not the tasty ice cream type) and other strenuous things that I would willfully inflict on my body in order to reach my goal of losing 100 pounds.
Dare-Devil Antics One Can Perform on a Stationary Bike
- Ride with arms waving in the air.
- Ride with arms and legs waving in the air.
- Ride with both eyes closed.
- Ride backwards.
- Ride sitting sideways.
- Ride while laying almost parallel to the bike frame.
- Ride with both hands held over both eyes.
And with all of these dangerous antics, absolutely NO harm can or will come to you unless you are so clumsy that you fall off of the bike.
In my latter years of working rigorous shifts at our local bi-weekly newspaper, later being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, heart problems and other signs that my 63-year-old frame is not a Body by Fisher anymore made me stop and face the fact that just getting out of bed and walking to my coffee maker and to my soft recliner (equipped with my television remote) is about all of the exercise I am capable of doing.
When I was into extreme physical conditioning, I never once thought about hopping my butt on a stationary bicycle and peddling for 90 minutes while viewing a wide-screen on the wall in front of me with a video entitled, "How to Love Not Getting Anywhere on a Stationary Bike." Some people may have been fooled by something like this but not this old guy. No, sir. No way.
I am proud to be a founding member of The Old School, where things were made to do the things they were built for such as bicycles were NOT made for stationary uses. In my day, a bicycle was ridden like the wind with a gang of your care-free friends spending one day after the other riding for hours, but not going anywhere.
The main difference in our bicycles is we moved. Today's spinning classes feature stationary bikes attached to a huge metal bolt to a cement floor covered in AstroTurf (to give that illusion of green grass) with hundreds of exercise-depleted people pumping their feet and legs for dear life sweating off those ugly few pounds in order for their designer clothes to fit.
The one problem (among many) that I have with stationary bikes is this: "Why even have a moving wheel on the back of these rigs?" I mean, what use is it? You do not have a front wheel, but you do have pedals and a chain just like a real bicycle, but still you sit your butt still and all the while this useless wheel in the back is turning round and round. Why not just fit the chain around an axle that turns and do completely away with that pointless wheel? Are you with me?
While I am on the subject of stationary bikes, I would like to share with you these Nine Reasons Why You Will Never See Me on a Stationary Bike.
"Riding an exercise bike is truly the perfect means for those who love going nowhere."— Me, K. Avery
Would you be interested in joining a spinning class?
9.) I know that I am stationary and not going to somewhere my heart desires--like a beautiful lake with nice countryside along with a pretty woman of my age bracket to enjoy the bicycle ride with me. No. I am sitting completely still on a piece of iron with one wheel that I know is turning, but I am sitting still. My point: A little knowledge is dangerous.
8.) I look complete ghastly in those expensive spandex spinning clothes you can max-out your credit card in buying in the gym where the spinning classes are being held. In my later years if a doctor says, "Kenny, wear spandex and take a spinning class or die," then I will head home and try to call in favors to people who can bring me enough rubber tubes that were used in automobile tires years ago and with enough cutting and gluing, I might design my own spandex spinning suit. I will still look completely ghastly, but at least I will look completely ghastly in something that I made.
7.) Sweating for me is like an Olympic event. Yeah, my own "10-Gallon Sweat-Athlon" when I engage in something as pointless (for me) as riding a stationary bike. And I know ahead of time that I will sweat as much as a slave who was used along with his buddies to row those huge ships of yore, so why do it?
6.) I have had at least two near-death wrecks on bicycles when I was a teenager. One was really rough. My left foot hung on the pavement sending me over the handlebars and skidding down the road such as a young Evel Knievel in his early stunt career. I am still not sure how long I lay in the farm/market highway near our home in 1965, but thank God, no one rode up on me going over the speed limit. My shoulder was crushed and had to have medical attention.
5.) I do not find pleasure in any form, any way, being with a group of overweight, senior people like myself wearing colorful headbands sitting on stationary bikes peddling our lives away and possibly facing a heart attack for over-excursion. You know that I did do my research on this subject.
4.) Spinning class instructors never give the "spinners" a choice of water or soft drink when they are spinning. No, these tyrannical people only push water on you for about $5.00 a bottle. A soda is half this price and tastes worlds better.
3.) Talking to other deceived people on stationary bikes thinking that we are extending our lives by doing this unusual activity is not easy. Between wiping sweat and not slowing down, how could I possibly strike up an intelligent conversation with another "spinner" who is wearing a headband made to look like Old Glory?
2.) The aroma of 60 people in a close place peddling stationary bikes sweating enough liquid to float a flat bottom boat is not a pleasant thing to do. I could use half a can of my favorite manly cologne before I attend a spinning class, but sooner than later, buying a can of my manly cologne every two days would be an expense that I could not deal with. Fact: the name of my manly cologne is the name of a tool used to cut down trees and it is not a saw. Can you guess the cologne's name? (Hey, Matt and Christy, HubPages editors, I did not mention the brand name).
1.) I know me better than any spinning class instructor. I know that when I waste an hour and a half of my precious time peddling a bike going nowhere, I will be famished (for food) at the end of each spinning class thus, the purpose of me taking part in a spinning class is futile. I was the same way when I rode my bicycles (that moved) as a boy. Each evening after a day of "racing with the wind" with my buddies, I would eat what food my parents had in the pantry. The cost of food in 2017 is a lot more expensive than it was in 1965.
Thank you for going with me on this trip on a device that has not or will ever go anywhere.
Good night, Columbus, Ohio.
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© 2017 Kenneth Avery