Moving right along
Gazing back at my wedding pictures I see a woman who is half my size with far less worry lines. That is because she is 25 years younger than me and her only worries were her job and what her weekend plans were.
Today's me is a mother of three growing young adults, the oldest being on the Autism spectrum, a home owner, a wife, an educator, a writer and a generally busy person.
My shape has suffered quite a lot. After a pregnancy that required bed rest and steroids, a C section and a third pregnancy that followed 3 years later, my body has not recovered. Of course I have had my spurts of weight loss but none as significant as when I slimmed down after my first son was born. Today, weighing more than I have ever weighed in my life, including my really pregnant days, I am trying everything under the sun to drop pounds and trim inches. I am fortunate, my general health is fine, I simply need to lose weight to be completely healthy.
I am also a chronic depression and anxiety sufferer. So I hunt for ways to bring my endorphins up, I love walking, especially by the beach. I cannot wait to go. I am miserable when I miss. This is the best fitness plan for me.
I am also following a decent meal plan which a friend so nicely turned me on to. I finally lost weight and I feel better. If I do not walk, I do something at home. Always a movement exercise. I will join a gym in the upcoming months as well.
While I am walking, I am observing others. I see many trim, slim and shapely people, working hard to maintain that physique. I am awed by them and a bit envious but I am also empowered by their ability to make the body they have the best they can make it.
Also joining me, are those who are not in prime condition. Many who are bigger than I am. I see them, walking, listening to music. Sometimes they are slower than me, but sometimes they are moving at a steady and strong pace. THEY are who I am motivated by. Those who are fat shamed, pulling on that work out gear and sweating the pounds off in public.
I spent my childhood as a very skinny child. Not an ounce of spare flesh graced my body until I hit puberty. The struggle began in middle school, where life is awkward for everyone, but an overweight young girl, with thick eye brows (when they weren't fashionable), braces and glasses, is just a walking pile of stress and discomfort. So many girls around me had already found their sex appeal. Mine was definitely missing in action, not to be found until sometime during my High School years.
I slimmed down a bit during High School, although I spent those years thinking I was fat and hating my body most days. I did not start to work out until my college years. I had a desirable figure but was too full of insecurities to recognize it.
Looking back, I can see how hard it is to live with the simplest imperfections as a tween and a teenager. It sets you up for the worst possible failure. Not being a part of the IN crowd.
I look back at young, thin, pretty me and say to her- you are beautiful. Both inside and out. I try desperately to say the same to 51 year old me today. I know who I am now. I have finally figured that out. I am blessed with a man who has been in love with me for over 27 years and lived through many hair colors, glasses, contact lenses, and body shapes, but does not care about any of that. Fat, thin, blonde, red head, brown hair or black hair, his love has remained constant of WHO I am, not what I look like.
So I trudge along on my boardwalk, listening to yes...the soundtrack to Wicked, please don't ask....and I am able to walk further each day. Some days I am exhausted. other days elated. I have torn ligaments and I favor my knee with the weak meniscus, but I make sure I schedule my day to include exercise. This time I am determined to become truly healthy.
I am watching my fellow walkers, my unknowing partners in all of this self discovery and I am so proud of them. They do not care what anyone else says, they are caring for themselves for a change. Maybe it is due to a doctor's order, but it does not matter. What matters is that they put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.